How to Apologize

Every day I wake up in the morning and one of the first things I do is read the BBC news. Often, without fail, regardless of Elton John’s song, “Sorry seems to be the hardest word,” a politician or celebrity is apologizing. Whether it was Chris Brown for his behavior on ‘Good Morning America’. BP for the oil spill or Tiger Woods for his affairs with multiple women. Together with online traffic increasing dramatically to sites such as theperfectapology.com and imsorry.com, apologizing it seems, is in fashion.

Obviously the word ‘sorry’ does not quite cut it if you have intentionally slept with your best friend’s boyfriend or accidentally run over their pet Chihuahua. On the other hand, if you have cancelled dinner plans with a friend because you’ve been asked on a hot date or you have accidentally missed your son’s football match ‘sorry’ is your only way out.

There is an art and craft to a proper apology and research has shown that even though it is not easy for some people to make, doing it in a heartfelt way can help you to reduce stress and alleviate guilt. Here are five simple steps to help you apologize.

Step 1. Take Responsibility
Know that if someone is upset with you, it is very likely for a good reason. Take the time to reflect on what you might have done to upset them consciously or unconsciously. If you haven’t done anything wrong, then don’t apologize, if you have, proceed to step 2.

Step 2. Apologize Immediately
If you have done something inappropriate, don’t hang around trying to justify your position in your mind. Let the other person know immediately that you didn’t mean to upset them. Ideally, doing this face-to-face is most powerful or by phone if they live far away. However, avoid doing it in e-mail or by using your Facebook page!

Step 3. Acknowledge They Are Upset
Be really clear what it is exactly that you are sorry about. Acknowledge how your lack of awareness has upset them. If you need to explain yourself, only do it to show that you didn’t mean to upset them, not to bring out the pity card, to make yourself feel better or to wiggle yourself out of making the apology.

Step 4. Ask Forgiveness
When you ask forgiveness, let them know that you will not do it again.
If they do accept your apology, say ‘thank you’ and move on.

Step 5. Forgive yourself
If they don’t accept your apology, then there is nothing more that you can do. Whether they do or don’t, you must let it go at that point as guilt is only going to harm you internally, so forgive yourself.

If you feel that the circumstance deserves compensation, then do what is appropriate. On the odd occasion you might want to send flowers, take them for diner or if the situation requires extreme measures then don’t be afraid to lay prostrate on the floor, hang on to their legs and beg forgiveness! A tactic I sometimes use to great affect with my husband! In any case, remember what Alexander Pope said “To err is human, to forgive divine.”